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Apr. 22nd, 2001

I've been at a loss for words these past few weeks, yet there is so much I can say about what is going on inside me. I just can't seem to get it out. Suddenly everything isn't wonderful anymore. I'm destroying the nice little bubble I have created for myself. I feel as if I'm self-destructive, because I'm ruining my own happiness by allowing myself to be influenced by these stupid thoughts and feelings. I'm analyzing each and every situation way too much and being overly critical of all of my friends.
Mara knows me too well, and I've never let anyone get so close. Whenever I'm deep in thought, she asks me, 'what are you thinking?' and as usual my reply is, 'nothing.' Maybe I'm scared of getting any closer. I think I depend on her a little too much, and I hate that. I don't like it, but how do I tell her that?
I want to go home. I want to go back to the comfortable lonliness. Back to the buzzing noises of the city that beautifully cover my thoughts. Back to the familiarity of the place, of my innocence. How I wish I could be sitting in a cafe on Tienmou Rd. right now, with a good book and some coffee. Everything fades away and nothing is as important as it seems when I'm there.


Apr. 22nd, 2001 01:16 pm (UTC)
Don't worry. =)
I don't want to go back to that. I love my life here. It's just that right now, it all seems so superfluous. So I need a break, because I haven't really had time to myself.
Yes I am by myself, like right now... but there are things that I need to get done, so all those thoughts and mental list in my head doesn't really allow me to be by myself.
If anything is draining me, it is definitely not the responsibilities that I have taken on, it is my friends.
You know me, I voice my thoughts, and I have quite a unique mind set. =) I know not everyone can handle me, but even my own friends are treating me this way, and that is so aggravating. I am tired of explaining the way I am.
Apr. 22nd, 2001 10:44 pm (UTC)
*hugs you* ya, all the complicated things happening w/ your friends.... *tries to use kathy magic to make it all better* =P

ya, after being around friends, action, complicated messes like that... i always find myself wanting to step outside the circle to take a breather on my own now and then. sometimes being around ppl 24/7 can get to you... and you need that quality time alone. *squeezes pashmina*


Pashmina Lalchandani
this is pashmina