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Apr. 22nd, 2001

I've been at a loss for words these past few weeks, yet there is so much I can say about what is going on inside me. I just can't seem to get it out. Suddenly everything isn't wonderful anymore. I'm destroying the nice little bubble I have created for myself. I feel as if I'm self-destructive, because I'm ruining my own happiness by allowing myself to be influenced by these stupid thoughts and feelings. I'm analyzing each and every situation way too much and being overly critical of all of my friends.
Mara knows me too well, and I've never let anyone get so close. Whenever I'm deep in thought, she asks me, 'what are you thinking?' and as usual my reply is, 'nothing.' Maybe I'm scared of getting any closer. I think I depend on her a little too much, and I hate that. I don't like it, but how do I tell her that?
I want to go home. I want to go back to the comfortable lonliness. Back to the buzzing noises of the city that beautifully cover my thoughts. Back to the familiarity of the place, of my innocence. How I wish I could be sitting in a cafe on Tienmou Rd. right now, with a good book and some coffee. Everything fades away and nothing is as important as it seems when I'm there.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
dreamland
Apr. 22nd, 2001 12:52 pm (UTC)
Sweetheart, I love you. But how do you know if you went to back to that life of loneliness... you alone w/ a good book and coffee... you may not regret one day? When you're growing old and looking back at your life that you might say to yourself, "If I could relive this life once again, I'd wish that I actually met someone who truly understood me and could read me. When I had all my inner thoughts, inner feelings, inner fears... that someone could be there for me. That someone could be there to help me through everything. I really needed that 2nd opinion on everything..."

Pash, sometimes I try to live alone like that. Coffee shop (well, tea shop for me) and a good book... going out spending time all alone...no one else...I mean, yes, of course you need time alone too!! Everyone does!! But like how you're saying you hate how Mara can read you now.

And Pash *HUGS* Please don't stress yourself out w/ too much work, too many responsibilities. You may not think you are, but I think a lot of it may be putting a lot of pressure on you? Don't drain yourself of energy, sweety.

I would love to totally HACK DOWN that bubble you created for yourself to show you how beautiful it actually is to share everything w/ someone or somebodies. I use to keep every goddamn thing inside of me... but then I started to speak up. Slow and steady at first, because I was also scared.. but the more I spoke, the easiser it became... and now it flows and I'm very happy when I can get a 2nd opinion on things. Knowing I'm allowing people to see who "Kathy" is, inside and out. Because one day I'm going to go... and I would have wasted every one of my chances if I don't act out the way I'm doing so now.

I love you!!!!!!!!!
pashmina
Apr. 22nd, 2001 01:16 pm (UTC)
Don't worry. =)
I don't want to go back to that. I love my life here. It's just that right now, it all seems so superfluous. So I need a break, because I haven't really had time to myself.
Yes I am by myself, like right now... but there are things that I need to get done, so all those thoughts and mental list in my head doesn't really allow me to be by myself.
If anything is draining me, it is definitely not the responsibilities that I have taken on, it is my friends.
You know me, I voice my thoughts, and I have quite a unique mind set. =) I know not everyone can handle me, but even my own friends are treating me this way, and that is so aggravating. I am tired of explaining the way I am.
dreamland
Apr. 22nd, 2001 10:44 pm (UTC)
Re:
*hugs you* ya, all the complicated things happening w/ your friends.... *tries to use kathy magic to make it all better* =P

ya, after being around friends, action, complicated messes like that... i always find myself wanting to step outside the circle to take a breather on my own now and then. sometimes being around ppl 24/7 can get to you... and you need that quality time alone. *squeezes pashmina*
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